So it’s roughly 2 a.m. on a Friday night (Saturday morning, whatever), I’ve been cleaning my apartment all night in preparation for my parents coming down tomorrow, and I’m pretty bored considering I don’t have cable, my PS2 is broken, and the only books I have are textbooks. For some reason, I feel the need to write a history, a brief chronicle if you will, regarding the history of my relationship with this guy who I will henceforth refer to as “Waluigi” (keeping with my policy not to use people’s real names when writing about/bashing them). All you assholes out there snickering about my use of the word “relationship” (Nick, Anthony) can lick Hobbes’ ass, I’m referring to a platonic relationship, i.e., friendship. I should note at this point that this will be a rather long post. If you’re actually reading this, I would suggest you get some snacks. That being said, let’s get this show on the road.
I met Waluigi in my high school Japanese class (which sucked giant Rhino testicles by the way) in my junior year after I had moved from Louisiana to Indiana. Waluigi’s a year older than me and had been taking Japanese since he entered high school, so he was a teacher’s assistant in my first class. My first impression of this kid was that he was weird as fuck, but then again, I’m pretty fucking weird myself. So despite his weirdness, I thought he was pretty cool, and we shared some interests. I should note at this point that I recognized from the start his lack of, uh, experience with the ladies…in any respect (other than popping out of one some 20 odd years ago).
Fast forward a couple years; to be honest, I didn’t get to know Waluigi terribly well the first year I knew him. During my senior year of high school, he had already moved down to IU, and I think he came back like once to visit the class. At any rate, back to the fast forwarding. So it’s the first semester of my freshman year at IU. By some wicked, cruel twist(s) of fate, I got stuck in Foster-Shea. It sucked; I really didn’t like that neighborhood of campus housing…at all. Knowing that he was in Bloomington, I decided to email Waluigi to see what he was up to (my roommate hadn’t arrived yet, and I didn’t have a TV…I was bored). Also, at this point, we were still friends, so I thought it’d be cool to hang out with him again. The long and the short of it is, we became really good friends that semester. I spent maybe 5 nights total in my room in Foster (I usually only went back to shower, change clothes, etc.) that semester; I usually slept on Waluigi’s floor or the floor of some of his friends with whom I became pretty close as well. Later in the semester, I spent all my nights sleeping with my new girlfriend in Ashton. We had a lot of similar interests still, Waluigi and I: skipping class cause we stayed up playing videogames all night, skipping class cause we drank too much the night before, skipping class cause we didn’t do the homework and didn’t want to get yelled at, skipping class cause we…didn’t like class. You get the idea, we were slackers, we played a lot of videogames, did a fair amount of drinking, dicked around a bunch, and it was a rather unproductive semester. Being around Waluigi so much, I started to see just how warped his mentality was (and perhaps is even more so now). I also witnessed first hand his numerous failures with women. I ended up getting some pretty crappy grades that semester (the main reason my GPA isn’t great). Waluigi failed out of IU. Apparently he had been doing the same kind of stuff we did that semester for his entire freshman year, and it landed him a low enough GPA to get kicked out.
Due to certain circumstances, he ended up going back to Indy to live with his parents for a while, and then got his own apartment. He started working at hourly, minimum wage, high school student-type places (Office Max, Electronics Boutique). He started coming down to visit, and I would usually drop by when I was in town, and at the time he was impressing me with his resolve to work and get himself back into IU. By the end of first semester the following year (my sophomore year at IU), if I’m remembering correctly, he was pretty much coming down every weekend. Sometime in that winter (I don’t remember if it was first or second semester), due to some more of those lovely twists of fate, Waluigi started dating a friend of mine whom I will refer to as Birdo. He might tell you otherwise, but I’ll tell you the fact of the matter: this was his first real girlfriend. He was now 20 years old. Considering the increasing frequency of his visits (especially now that he was dating Birdo), I started to have a clearer picture of Waluigi again. What I saw was somewhat disturbing. I saw the same immature, dumb kid that I had been an immature, dumb kid with the first semester of my freshman year. Sure, at this point in my life, I hadn’t changed a whole much since then. I was still a slacker, I still played a lot of videogames, and I still drank a lot (and this is all still true today). I had, however, changed enough to be making decent grades, set some realistic goals in my life, and do other in-the-process-of-becoming-a-mature-adult stuff. Waluigi on the other hand, though a year older than me, was just the same as before. I realized this, but I was still distracted by his fervor to get back into school.
Into the second semester of my (and Birdo’s) sophomore year, Waluigi basically moved into Birdo’s tiny ass, size-of-my-current-apartment’s-closet room in Ashton. Now, you should know that these two should never have been dating in the first place. They both have extremely inflammable personalities, are overly emotional about pretty much everything, and all this was amplified when they started dating. After he moved into her room and they were around each other almost 24/7, it only got worse. It was so bad that we (myself and the rest of Waluigi and Birdo’s mutual friends) started dreading going places with them because they would get in embarrassing fights about utter bullshit in public places. They fought at a restaurant about if the parmesan cheese shaker was plastic or glass. They fought in a bowling alley because Birdo told Waluigi to tie his shoe, but he didn’t want to. Even when they didn’t fight in public, they would often be pissed off at each other from fighting ALL THE TIME and would make it rather uncomfortable for the rest of us when we would go out with them. Being the immature attention-seeker that he is, Waluigi would often storm off after said fights, usually punching walls and stuff. Of course I was stuck listening to both of them bitch about each other since I was friends with them both independently. It was at this time that I started to draw the line.
I stayed the summer following my sophomore year in Bloomington. With Birdo off doing crap somewhere else in the country, Waluigi moved in with an old friend of his and concentrated on working to get money (and on whining incessantly about how he missed his girlfriend). I was starting to get pretty fed up with Waluigi and had even started avoiding him. I would like to note that while he would profess to me his money problems and how he really needed to get cash for school (and necessities of living), he flew from Indiana to Maryland at least twice to visit Birdo and started going out to the bars (now that he was 21) almost nightly. That’s pretty much the gist of the summer…I had made some new friends which were cooler than most of my other friends at the time, and I started hanging out with them a lot. By the end of the summer, we were consciously avoiding and blowing off Waluigi.
With Birdo back in town as the fall semester started up (my junior year at IU), the fighting continued (now that she was back, they could fight in person instead of over the phone). Waluigi had managed by this time to get back into IU as well and was taking a full class load…which he was sucking at big time. He was still exactly the same immature kid from before, but now he had the added bonus of a girlfriend to waste time on…a girlfriend he never should have been with in the first place (I know I already said that, but it bares repeating). He continued fucking around and continued his new tendency to waste money, so he also continued to fuck up academically. Over the course of the first semester that year, Birdo broke up with Waluigi pretty much ever other week (this is probably an exaggeration…but not by much). I can’t remember how many times Waluigi would show up at my place and immediately start whining about how they had broken up for good. Again. As you can imagine, it got tiresome. He also started breaking stuff that wasn’t his even more than before. He’d get mad, walk down the hall, and punch the exit sign off the sealing or something of that nature. Not cool.
Into the spring semester, we intensified the avoiding and blowing-off, and it seemed he got the picture. Then it happened. Birdo had finally also had enough, and she dumped his ass for good. For real. Waluigi went nuts. All those bad aspects I’ve been mentioning about him started getting a lot worse. He also started randomly showing up places he had not been invited to, especially when we were hanging out with Birdo. We were all weirded out…you would be too if some douchebag was stalking you. Possessing the mentality of a child, he had dubbed his temper tantrums “Destructive Rage” and began to make a habit of destroying stuff in bars and restaurants. Yeah, not exactly fun to be around, and that’s the kind of shit that gets you thrown out. He also hurled in the corner of Upstairs. That was fucking gross. Finally, by the grace of some god, he started to get the picture that none of us really liked him anymore, and his presence started to fade (hallelujah).
I’m going to jump forward and wrap this up now, especially considering I am not at liberty to discuss the details of the story from this past summer to the beginning of this semester. I can tell you this: he fucked up big time. I finally decided to actually tell him off once and for all (something I should have done long ago). As far as I know, he either failed out of IU again and/or ran out of money (read: wasted every cent he made) and now is enrolled at Ivy Tech or some shit. Temporally speaking, he is a fifth year college senior. Credit-wise, he’s lucky to be a sophomore. My guess is that it will take him another 5 years to graduate, if he even does. Oh well, he’s a loser. I haven’t talked to him since I told him off in early September (nor have I desired to).
At any rate, if you read that whole thing…it was probably a huge waste of your time, so I hope you enjoyed it. There’s a lot of stuff missing from this account; I consider this a mere outline and constructed it as such on purpose. If I had put in all the details and whatnot, this thing would be 20 pages long. I think that about does it for now, so I’m going to finish cleaning my apartment and hit the sack.
